Poetry and Motion
One of Stroud's football poets tells Damian Hall, "footy is a funny game, footy is a laugh, but footy is a money game that’s going flipping daft"

Are you watching Mr Bates?

If you visited Highbury before the summer you may well have heard a chorus of "he's blonde, he's quick, his name's a porno flick…" And that is about as poetic as most football fans get, that is, apart from the world-renowned, self-styled Football Poets.

"I find it really ironic that people watching football shout all sorts of things, and you always hear some funny stuff, but getting them to stand up and speak in front of an audience is another matter all together" says Crispin Thomas.

The performance poet is part of an intrepid band of artistes from leafy Gloucestershire who've braved incredulous audiences since "ooh… the mid-eighties some time" when founding members Stuart Butler and Dennis Gould mysteriously decided there was a gap in the market for football poetry.

Described by Radio Four as "the only known collection of football poets in the world", their verse can be heard at gigs and festivals all around the UK (Crispin can also soon be seen in the football hotbed San Francisco). Poetry readings are interspersed with music (from his band Out to Lunch) and sometimes a spot of storytelling. They do non-footie shows too, but "we prefer doing football gigs. We write and perform and refer to ourselves as 'performance poets'.

"We try and bring some humour to football because it takes itself so seriously, and we can get a little bit political at times and there's lots of nostalgia, especially about the 50s. But we try not to be too pessimistic, it's the people's game, it was and it still is. But you can't help having a little moan about the price of tickets and all-seater stadia."

When not talking in rhythm and rhyme Crispin and his fellow poets, originally the Stroud Football Poets, put on plays and somehow he manages to fit in a day job as a music agent.

"When we started off we used to think we'd get invited to football club's Christmas parties." It's taking time, but they're getting there, clan members Attila the Stockbroker and Ian McMillan are resident poets at Brighton and Barnsley respectively. However, Chelsea fan Crispin admits he's not expecting a call from Ken Bates.

The poets don't always live up to audience expectation. "People might presume we're Arran-jumper wearing folky types, but we're not like that at all. The worst reaction we get is when people carry on talking, if they do, I just talk louder.

"We went to Brighton, thinking the audience would want political stuff seeing as it's where The Levellers are from, but they were expecting a rattle-waving scarf-wearing show. So we changed the set entirely, back to football."

Attendances are usually about 40, but Crispin's World Cup final was at Glastonbury where he compered the Avalon stage and spouted some of his verse to 20,000 people in between acts. A little nerve-racking? "You stand next to Rolf Harris and see how nervous he is. They're just the same as us, and footballers, we all get nervous."

As a collective, they find onstage comfort in their mascot, Basil the dog. Recently Tweetie-Pie has sought to encroach on Basil's patch and with Kevin Keegan's resignation they had a vote on the website to see which mascot should apply for the England job. Basil was the overwhelming winner (despite the discrediting defeat Tweetie-Pie still lurks in the background at gigs in dark glasses and a raincoat).

Basil applied for the position in writing:

Dear Mr. Crozier, I wish to apply for the post of England manager. Although I am a dog, I have a wealth of football experience behind me; indeed I sponsor a whole team of football poets. I enclose a photograph. Yours sincerely, Basil the Westie

And got a reply (which can be seen on their website). Despite rejection, Basil felt it necessary to point out that

I am not sure if you read my letter of application carefully however. I did point out that I am a dog, not a human - yet there seems to be a uniform tone to the letter you have sent me. Does this mean that you have treated other rejected applicants just like a dog? I look forward to your reply, Yours Barkingly

As well as several books, "we're planning the world's first ever football poetry festival but we want to find more people to perform, and we're planning a CD of spoken poetry too." (That's on the assumption that they can keep hold of their ambitious mascot.)

Their website has been live for about six months. "The aim is to tell people what we do and try to get more people to perform. We get poetry sent in every few days."

Anyone interested in getting involved might want to invest in some shin-pads because, fittingly, "we always like to have a kick-about before a gig, it gets you in the mood."

© Damian Hall - Four Four Two

Link to the original article on www.fourfourtwo.com