Chief Inspector Mulligan Flies To London

Chief Inspector Mulligan
Was phoned by Scotland Yard
To help them with a case that they
Were finding pretty hard.

He packed his suitcase, changed his socks
And shaved his three day stubble,
And then he flew to Heathrow to
Assist them in their trouble.

They met him at the airport,
Sergeant Carson, Sergeant Fee,
He knew that they were C.I.D.-
They let him see I.D.

They gave him steak and kidney at
A nearby London pub,
And then they brought him in a car
To Arsenal Football Club.

One stand was blackened, noted
The inspector with a frown.
It looked as though some criminal
Had tried to burn it down.

The witnesses were all lined up,
The backroom staff and players,
And the little old tea-lady who
Was known as Mrs. Sayers.

Chief Inspector Mulligan
Then interviewed them all,
Although in truth, he much preferred
To watch the oval ball.

He interviewed Sol Campbell,
And he looked him in the eye,
And then he tackled Bergkamp cos
He said he had to fly.

He interviewed Vieira and
He booked him for the mess,
And then did Arsene Wenger who
Appeared in some distress.

The Chief Inspector glanced down at
Some marks on Wenger’s foot,
He made a note that they appeared
Suspiciously like soot.

Casually he pulled a fag and
Asked him for a match,
The manager did not suspect
That there might be a catch.

When the interviews were done
The Inspector sat there, thinking.
Piecing all the bits together,
Motionless, unblinking.

“This fire was not an accident,”
He said to Sergeant Carson.
“Now, don’t be shocked by this, but I
Suspect that it was Arsene.”

© Peter Goulding