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Barbie and Ken: The Football Years

Back when Barbie & Ken were sweethearts
in the Beach Boy psychadelic swinging sixties
They'd fought off a challenge from Oz surfer Brian
and Barbie's über rival - naughty Sindy

All seemed fine and hunky dory in Toytown.
Had their ups and downs – both ugly and pretty.
But a different story began to emerge
when Ken signed up to play footie for Chad Valley.

To say that Barbie wasn't pleased with her Ken
was a whopping big fat understatement
especially when Ken got his pic in Hello
In a scuffle pap-snapped on the pavement.

And, horror of horrors, Ken wasn't alone,
not unaccompanied, oh no, not he
but caught indiscreet, falldown drunk on the street,
in a clinch with glam model Sindy.

Next Barbie's on Parky, where either side sit -
filmstar whatsisname, and fifties crooner who'sit
Bravely she tells of her betrayal by Ken
and how she's gonna return to her first love, music.

She's been on I'm A Celebrity Dolls in Their Eyes
Desert Island Discs, even Frost says she's fantastic
Has appeared on the box in a 70s pop revival show
Barbie wannabes buy surgery that's truly plastic.

Not such good news then for Barbie's ex Ken
turns out without Barb he's totally lost it.
Has been seen with a has-been
                                          formerly known as Prince
and his teeny same-size girlfriend, Polly Pocket.

Last heard Ken'd shacked up with Action Man
In a sandpit they hide and seek weapons of mass
                                         Toyland destruction.
They're planning a raid on Barbie's new home.  
Opting for optional combats whilst keeping their removable
                                               desert storm hats on.

The arrest, it was messy, I won't lie to you
Trumpton's policeman had to whack'em with his truncheon
Ken was forced to agree to meet Barb, her lawyer too
Over tea and an Early Learning Centre plastic food luncheon.

Now Barbie has the pool, and the champagne jacuzzi,
her My Little Pony, called Star.
Her fluffy pink bed, fluffy handcuffs in red
and a full-to-bursting Make Mine A Babysham,
                                          cocktail drinks bar.

Ken got himself clean, then ditched AM
signed back up with his old football team
He's regularly seen with one or other Girls Aloud
on the front of OK sleb magazine.

Barbie learnt the lesson that, being on your own
is not all that its cracked up to be
She's given up boys, does lad mag glamour pose
with her new love, the very naughty Sindy.

© Rosemary Dun 2005

I wrote this poem after hearing the sad news that Barbie and Ken were to go their separate ways ... and realised that they were in fact very much like our own uber footie slebs ... ssh you know who ...   This is a "cleaned up" version of a more naughty one!


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